5 Months Later...

So much for a trip blog. Oops.

It may or may not be about 5 months later...cough. But let's just say it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. With teaching dance, teaching 1st grade, trying new foods, driving through spectacular scenery, making new friends, I fell in love with the country. I'm praying that I get to return in the near future, while also trying to surrender my plans to the Lord.

That's such a hard thing to comprehend, much less live out. I'm the type who likes being in control, and I love making lists and plans. Organization definitely isn't my gift, but I like having goals. Actually, I can't operate without them. So surrendering my plans to God...it's a struggle. I know laying down my own plans does not mean a stagnant lifestyle. But it's definitely a temptation to disguise laziness as obedience.

So many times I fell so sure of God's plan for me, so sure actually, that I don't feel the need to ask Him whether it's right. Great plan, huh? And then I get so angry when it all falls apart around me, quick to blame God for my own folly.

So presently, I am trying to grow. I am trying to wait patiently. I am trying to listen and converse with God, not only make lists of things I want. So even something that seems so good, like where I am going to end up on the missions field, I have to loosen my clenched fists. And it's not an overnight process, it's one white-knuckled finger at a time.

"Whether you turn to the left or the right, you will hear a Voice saying: "This is the road! Now follow it." Isaiah 30:21

5 Days

Five days, 120 hours, 7200 minutes.



God is so good. He is. He just really, really is. Today has been an incredible revelation of His love for me, and His protection and wisdom.

In church this morning, we gave thanks for what this past year has brought. As I sat in the pew, and watched the people around me, listened to the blend of voices, I could tell how sorely I would miss worship in the two weeks I'm gone.

But then my heart started breaking at the the thought that the country I'm going to does not have the refreshment of the Sabbath every week. It's unimaginable to me to not have my church family, or prayer, or songs of worship. I would be so incredibly isolated. I would be lonely, depressed, cold. My chest literally started aching as I realized how much I take for granted. Even the thought of living a life so blind to meaning and purpose, brings me to my knees under the weight of the world.



So today, as I lift my praise to my God for everything He's done for me, I also beg Him to bless Iraq as He's blessed me. They are no less deserving, I'm constantly wondering how God could want me as His daughter, how He could use me. And in the face of my own failure, a fierce desire like nothing else in my life rises up in my heart. If someone like me can be redeemed to be Jesus' bride, and He tells us to go out to the nations, and spread His word than I will do everything to obey.

In some ways, I feel like Christ's commission is viewed as an exhausting chore. But if we don't do anything to receive God's cherishment, and there are broken searching people around us, how can you be satisfied in your own works? The Gospel is the Good News!



When you have something exciting or joyful to announce, there is no hesitation or labor involved.

And the story of a God who made you uniquely, who desires to save you from your own destructive nature, who would sacrifice His child, who wants you as His own child, to be heirs to a magnificent kingdom and inherit eternal life - There is no greater story!



I hope to never lose my awe over this ethereal and glorious plan. I want my awe to double each and every time I get to see it born in someones eyes. That my faith would be constantly childlike, because I would have the privilege of seeing it as stunning and wondrous, through the perspective of a new believer.



I am so thankful for those who love me, but who love God more. I never quite understood the power of having hands laid on me, but after today I've had the privilege of being prayed for three different times, surrounded by my church and friends. Every time I was filled to the brim with gratitude for answered prayers. If I felt unsure and fearful before, the prayers of those who surrounded me banished that. I'm sure there will be moments of trial, and I will still experience fear at some point, but I'm confident in my mission, confident in my God.
How can you keep back from just stopping everything and just worshipping? God is good.

Ways to Pray:
1. For the hearts of those I'm about to meet to be seeking the truth, and have ears to hear.
2. For the intuition of the Holy Spirit, to know when to speak and when to stay silent.
3. Last minute details to come together for the teacher training and the after school programs.
4. Safety in travel and the entirety of the trip - Invisible to the enemy.

"Oh, send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your house.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God.
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God."
Psalm 43:3-5

One Week

I know it's a little late in coming, but I've promised to start a trip blog to keep everyone updated.
So here it is! I won't be able to disclose all the details for safety reasons, but I'm hoping to share my journey with everyone who has so lovingly supported me.

So...I leave in one week. Seven days. 168 hours...well about 163 hours to be precise. Not that any one's counting of course.

People keep asking me how I feel, if I'm excited or nervous. I always answer both. In these last few days of preparation, I find myself making thousands of lists in my head, panicking, and thinking of creative ways to pack only 25 lbs. in my carry on suitcase. Deep breaths.
(Yeah, I'm one of those girls who thinks it's necessary to pack her entire wardrobe for two weeks. Not going to happen.)

But the more I stress myself out, I hear a quiet voice whispering "Be still, beloved."
As many of you know, I've been sick for about a week now, and I feel like I've had plenty of 'still' time.
But the more I listen, the more I realize being still doesn't mean physical rest.
Actually, the hours of rest have been a trying time internally. As the reality of what I'm about to embark upon sinks in, I keep falling back on how completely unworthy I am.

One of the many things I struggle with is my tendency to hold on to my sin. To not let Christ's mercy be enough, and to constantly be in a state of guilt.
There most likely will be people asking about the Gospel, people my age, who have grown up in the darkness of Islam. Who am I to try to explain it?
I'm so afraid I'll lead them astray in my feeble attempts to present the Truth. I feel like I need years of training and maybe a nice pamphlet to refer to.

Couldn't I have just signed up for a nice trip where my only complaint was that I didn't have enough hands for the amount of babies I was trying to hold?
But that's just it. Christ doesn't call us to be comfortable. Not at all. Of course He loves us, and desires good for all His children, but as Believers, we're called to be something peculiar. Odd even. It goes against everything in our sinful nature to forgive an enemy, to extend kindness to the unlovely, to open our homes to a stranger. None of that is comfortable. Not at all.

I know for certain God wants me on this trip. Me specifically. In this timing exactly. Not after years of training, but right now. God uses the unlikely as His servants. What does it matter if I feel unworthy? He wants me there. And like Isaiah, I will surrender my own fears and say: "Here I am! Send me!"

Just recently, several incidents and people have brought to my attention the modern tendency to make short term missions all about 'me'. Your own experience, your change of heart, what you take away. That is part of the beauty of servant hood: when we care for others, we realize how needy we ourselves are.
But I don't want to be focused on myself. I want to be completely and utterly immersed in Jesus. I want His words to flow from my lips, His love to overflow in my actions. I want to see Him in every part, beautiful or broken, of this trip.

So, in stead of focusing on the details, or last minute purchases, or any of the other million things I need to do, I'm resting in God's promises. I'm preparing my heart to give beyond what I think possible.
Even now, I feel so much lighter.
"If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?"
I'm reveling in the joy of the Lord, in His love that is the bond of perfection!
"Be still, beloved."
I will be still, in spirit and heart, and listen to God's voice and not my own.

Ways to pray for me:
1. To be drawn closer to God in these last few days of preparation.
2. To be used in anyway possible to glorify Him while there.
3. For a boldness and clarity in presenting the Word to those who are seeking.
4. For creativity and wisdom in planning and teaching the after school dance clinic.
5. Safety in travel, and while we're there. That God would make us invisible to any enemies.
6. Continued recovery from this darned cold.

Thank you all so much for your support, love, and prayer.

Hosea 6:1-3
"Come, and let us return to the Lord.
For He has torn, but He will heal us.
He has stricken us, but He will bind us up.
After two days He will revive us.
On the third day He will raise us up,
That we may live in His sight .
Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the Lord.
His going forth is established as the morning;
He will come to us like the rain,
Like the latter and former rain to the earth."